DIElight
by SparksAreFlying
Summary: Written for my pals over at TwilightSucks forums. Basically, Lestat and his friends aka ACTUAL vampires kill all the Culfags and the Volturi. Contains references from Repo! The Genetic Opera and South Park.


**For the record, I have read all four books, and I despise them very much. If you'd like a detailed explanation of why I hate Twilight so much, feel free to PM me. Other than that, enjoy.**

**DISCLAIMER: Twatlight belongs to Stefatty Meyer, and The Vampire Chronicles belong to Anne Rice. Repo belongs to Terrance Zdunich and what's-his-name, and South Park belongs to Matt Stone and Trey Parker.**

* * *

**NOTE: The following takes place during Demon Spawn, er, I mean, Breaking Dawn, during the "battle" or whatever the fuck it was called.**

BELLA'S POV:

I kept my shield around my family and the werewolves. Alec continued to sabotage us with his "gift" of numbing the mind, but my handy-dandy mind shield prevented it from reaching us. I looked at my Mary-Sue daughter thing, she was already doing a wonderful job of stepping into my shoes as the ultimate Mary-Sue. Plus, she has our friend Pedowolf to pleasure her prepubescent body whenever she wants, and the Partyvan (FBI, government, etc.) can't do shit, because we're VAMPIRES, WOOOOO!

Just as we began to negotiate with the Mafia, I mean, the Volturi, a blonde man appeared, wearing an old fashioned velvet coat with a white cravat and tailored pants.

"I am the Vampire Lestat." he said. "You faggots have ruined our name as vampires, and we've had enough of this. Louis? Jesse?" he called, and in an instant, a young man with long black hair, as well as a woman with burgundy, shoulder-length hair appeared. "Take them out!" he commaded, and they obeyed, jumping on my precious Eddykins, Jasper, and Alice. "Nooooo!!!!" Eddie screamed as Lestat twisted his neck.

He bit and began to drain him, but then gagged and spit out glitter glue. "What the fuck is this, glitter glue?" he yelled. I was in shock, my sparkly Greek God was dead!

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I noticed that Jesse had taken out Alice and Rosalie, and Louis had killed Jasper and Emmett.

Two new figures were working on Carlisle and Esme, and Lestat announced, "Bella, meet my friends Marius and Pandora" as they finished them off.

The Volturi stared in shock, but not for long, as a beautiful Egyptian woman dressed in copper and gold appeared out of the trees. "You!" she pointed to Marcus, Aro, and Caius. "You have tried to steal my authority for the last time! You aren't even vampires, you're fucking elves!" she bared her fangs, and flicked her wrist, making them erupt into fire instantly. She glared coldly at their guards, who collapsed where they stood as their veins imploded.

"Nice work, Akasha." Lestat grinned.

"Well, I am the Mother of all Vampires. I was sick of those buttmunches going on having their gay threesomes and claiming to be the authority."

I shuddered at all that was happening. So, we weren't vampires? What were we, then?

"Poseurs. Faeries. Elves. Disco balls, if you will." Lestat answered, reading my mind.

"How did you do that?" I asked. "I had my shield up!"

"Your meager 'gifts' don't work against real vampires, bitch." he replied as he slapped me, his glass fingernails scratching my face, making me bleed out glitter glue.

"Oh, and I almost forgot!" he said, clapping. "Claudia!" he yelled, and a cute little girl with blonde ringlets came out of the woods.

"Hey, you little bitch!" she yelled at Renesmee. "Stop looking at me like that!".

With that, she grabbed my baby and ripped her cute little head off. "What the fuck is this, glitter glue?" she asked, examining the silvery substance leaking from Renesgay's decapitated head.

"It looks and tastes like it, yes." Louis said, shaking his head.

By now, the La Push gang had fled the scene. I hugged my knees as the group approached me through all of the carcasses of my family.

"Well well well. If it isn't Mary Sue herself." Akasha said. "Bella Swan."

"Cullen." I said shakily.

"You dare to correct me? Did you not see the demise of your fellow poseurs?" she glared angrily at me, grabbing me by the collar.

"Ahh, just kill me! I WANT THIS TO BE OVER!" I cried.

"It's not going to be that easy. I take special care in giving all of the Mary Sue's I meet a long, painful death. You're no different. Nathan Wallace!" she called, and a man in a black biohazard suit walked up to me with a gigantic scalpel. He made a jagged cut on my stomach, and disemboweled me bit by bit. At last, he ripped out my heart, and handed it to Akasha, who proceeded to suck on it.

The last thing I heard was, "What the fuck is this, glitter glue?!"

* * *

"Y'know, I've learned something today." Kyle Broflovski said.

"Yeah, that Jews did WTC?" Cartman said.

"Shut the fuck up, fatass!" Kyle said.

'Dude, calm down." Stan Marsh said, frogging the ginger's shoulder.

"Anyway, I've learned that vampires are not a force to be reckoned with, and that Twilight contains no vampires, only sparkly dildoes. I also learned that Repomen don't take shit from anyone."

"Mrph, mrphmrrphmrph. Mrff Mrphh." Kenny said. Suddenly a Repoman sliced Kenny open and ripped out his spleen, killing him.

"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"

"You bastard!"

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FIN.


End file.
